Why Blaming Others Keeps You Stuck
When you solely focus on what someone else has done, you rob yourself of precious time that can be experienced in freedom from pain, anger, and betrayal.
You can not change the past. The past is done. You can let it go now.
And, while you let it go, you begin to change your story about your past because it doesn't define you anymore, unless you allow it.
Only the present defines you.
All too often, you hang on to the emotions connected to past experiences. Unless it serves to provoke change within you, it serves no other purpose except to keep you cemented in unnecessary emotional and spiritual darkness.
There are many ways to heal from the pain of your past. Three that stand out are: 1. Awareness without judgement. 2. Forgiveness of self. 3. Compassion for the person who hurt you.
Let me explain.
Awareness without judgement can be a tricky practice. There is no shortage of the voices in your head that critique and criticize you at any point in your day. Most of the time, you aren't even aware of how quickly you go to your default setting of "let me beat myself up a little."
With this critical mindset, YOU are the only person who prevents yourself from moving forward.
When I teach people about having awareness without judgement, I help them focus on being aware of their thoughts, but not condemning them as they think them.
Awareness of self; how you feel, what you think and how you behave, is the beginning point of walking on the healing way. To move beyond the thoughts that trip you up, you must be aware of them to begin with. Once aware, let them just be there.
After all, our thoughts let us know how we are doing. They are just thoughts, that's it. And thoughts can change in an instant.
We are spiritual beings living in human bodies, not the other way around. That being the case, we can then choose to think spiritually, opening ourselves up to our higher self ,and see ourselves from the purest place.
When the habitual critical voice arises, it is then that you show up fully; ready to stand up for yourself. Tell yourself, "Self, I know you want to make me feel bad right now, but I am not going to allow that. So, just go away. Enough!"
Once you decide to combat the unrealistic thoughts that you have that keep you down, you will make room for thinking that aligns with your highest and divine self.
Forgiveness of self is a "must have" when you decide to move forward from pain inflicted by another toward you.
Month after month, year after year, you carry the weight of your wounds. They grow heavier and heavier, don't they? Their shape carves itself out into they way you live your life, and before you know it, you have become someone whom you dislike, even wishing for a different life for yourself.
It's like that mattress commercial: "over time, your mattress becomes weighted down with sweat and dust mites and you need to get a new mattress."
It's the same with the pain you carry. Over time, the residue builds up and you must decide whether to trade it in for a new, clean place to rest or hold on to what you have accumulated.
Forgiveness isn't about letting the perpetrator of your pain off the hook, it simply means that you choose not to carry around the aftermath of your wounds for one moment longer than this moment right now.
When you forgive yourself for carrying pain from your past, you give yourself the chance to exhale easily, as if you were sitting by the ocean, closing your eyes, and letting the sound of the waves regulate your breathing. You are soothed and safe.
You can now re-define yourself.
Compassion for the person who hurt you can be very challenging and for some, next to impossible. But, it is key to living a clean life.
When you realize that the person who has caused you pain is operating from a limited place and with a limited capacity, then you can look at their behavior from a different perspective.
The pain they inflicted on you no longer exists as your pain. It becomes your experience of them and their limited self.
Because they have a limited awareness of themselves, they are simply operating from their highest place possible. And, that "place that they operate from", can be dark and injurious to others. They just haven't been enlightened yet.
You can not change them or wish they were different, not matter how much time or effort that you put into that relationship.
You take them for the kind of person that they have shown you that they are. And, with that, comes pain, disappointment, and sadness, sometimes.
Stepping back and acknowledging to yourself that this person has not yet awakened to their own awareness, helps make sense of their words and behaviors.
They haven't had that peak experience that has opened their eyes yet to who they are and who they need to become.
Adopting a level of compassion for their limitations, can help you see them from a different place, a place that isn't so angry or hurt.
Perhaps out of their own insecurities, they try to dominate and control. Maybe they are scared and frightened, just like all of us are at some points in time, and say and do mean things to fend of potential rejection and pain of their own. Their ego and need to feel significant can drive them to exploit you, causing you great pain.
Regardless of their motivation, (which, by the way, you don't need to spend your time figuring out,) people hurt people because they operate from a limited emotional, psychological, and spiritual place.
It is their stuff, not yours.
Blaming others for your pain keeps ony one person hostage: YOU.
Everyone else moves on.
It's time you do the same.
We are all here to transcend our limitations and to recognize our own magnificence and divinity.
And, with that, comes the ability to see things and others as they are; imperfect, flawed, and with compassion.
Louise Hay, founder of Hay House publishing offers this prayer to find peace from your past pain:
"In the infinity of life where I am, all is perfect, whole and complete. The past has no power over me because I am willing to learn and to change. I see the past as necessary to bring me to where I am today. I am willing to begin where I am right now to clean the rooms of my mental house. I know it does not matter where I start, so I now begin with the smallest and the easiest rooms, and in that way, I will see results quickly. I am thrilled to be in the middle of this adventure, for I KNOW I will never go through this particular experience again. I am willing to set myself free. All is well in my world. "
Let all be well in your world and refocus on what is happening in your "now."
It's all that you have.
In love and light, Janis www.cohenfamilycounseling.com