Chasingo Validation? Here's Why and How You Can Get Off That Crazy Train.
Originally, she sought out my services because she said, "I'm dating two people and I am feeling the pressure of which one to choose."
As it turns out, this really wasn't the core issue.
Quickly, she shared her upbringing and her string of relationships in which she invested years and years of herself, only to be left feeling vulnerable, angry, alone, contemptuous of the world, and searching for a meaning in her life.
While these details are important, what mattered most was for her to understand what needs drives her in her life.
On the surface, she presents with a need to gain love and connection from others.
She really is a sweet girl who loves to give of herself.
The problem was that she was masking her internal struggle for validation by validating others instead, through service.
She was neglecting herself and it hit her like a ton of bricks.
The root, though, of her anger and discontent with life ISN'T in her need for love and connection; it about being good enough, acceptable, worthy, and the need to feel safe and secure.
She has been angry at the world for not getting what she believes she deserves and has been looking for acceptance in all the wrong places her entire life.
We look for validation from outside sources because we think we need an external gauge that determines our worth; and for some, our very existence.
Truth: If you seek validation from outside of yourself, you will NEVER find it.
Let's say you are a computer and you have several programs within your hard drive. (Just follow me here.... of course you aren't a computer....)
These programs help you search for information, develop documents, and share information.
What is missing are the programs that allow you to recognize matching data, internalize it, and then use it in the future.
Simply put, you will never recognize, incorporate, or confirm the kudos that you seek because you don't seem to have the internal software downloaded that is necessary to effectively recognize, process and incorporate it into your daily living.
In other words, you have no basis for recognizing the validation within yourself and so it comes and goes and the search continues.
As with many of my clients, they believe that validation and self- respect is elusive and claim that they have no idea how to feel either of them.
THIS is why the external validation doesn't stick; you discount your ability to create it within yourself and therefore, can't recognize the data as it comes in.
I asked my client to define what self-respect means to her, using the five spheres exercise.
If you want to get off the crazy train of chasing validation then ask yourself the following five questions.
* Emotional: "How would you feel if you had self- respect?" * Psychological: "What would you think, believe, and focus on if you had self-respect?" * Physical: " What would you need to do for you to have self-respect?" * Financial: "What would you need to have financially for you to have self-respect?" * Spiritual: " What would you need to believe in to have self-respect?"
Once you have answered these questions, then ask yourself what would you next steps you would need to take to support the answers you just gave?
Then, start with one area of your life and just do ONE THING. JUST ONE.
And, finally, give yourself credit for every part: intention, action and lessons learned.
Validation ONLY occurs when you have the following: * The ability to create a sense of purpose and value for yourself through thoughts, feelings, and behavior. * The commitment to living from a place of self-respect and integrity every day. * The desire and follow through to contribute to the greater good without expecting anything back beyond the self- satisfaction that occurs from having given of yourself. * Honoring all aspects of your life as meaningful, valid, and positively intended for your growth. Then applying what you have learned to improve the quality of your life.
My client left with quite a bit of homework between sessions. (Yes, I LOVE to give homework to my clients.)
And, she was able to understand how her anger and contempt in her life serves as a reminder to her that she must live life on her own terms, beginning now.
No more woe-is-me.
It is time to make the changes she seeks.
Now, she is armed with the knowledge that SHE is the ONLY ONE who can change her life, create happiness, prosperity, peace, joy and, yes, VALIDATION.
My hope is that you will finally take hold of your life and create value, meaning, and validation through your own efforts for the sole purpose of being a happier and more fulfilled person.
You got this!
In love and light,